Paul Mason
Chief Operating Officer
Asda Stores Ltd
Asda House
Great Wilson Street
Leeds LS11 5AD

Dear Paul

I write on behalf of Scott Soper (aged 4) of 7 Lynton Road, West Croydon, CR0 3QX whose mum’s letter to me is enclosed.

There have not been too many epoch-making moments in British military history. The highlights probably include the arrival of the Romans; the death of King Harold; the D-day landings and the unveiling of Judy Finnigan’s bazookas at that award ceremony last year.

The new Millenium has been marked by an event so momentous that even these occasions become pale imitations when compared with the real thing. A few weeks ago, your supermarket decided to cease selling its most desirable product – Action Man cakes. To Scott’s mind, this appalling move can only be described as a Cup Cake Calamity. Worse still, the female equivalent of Action Man cakes – Barbie Cakes – have survived the purge. What is going on? Given the fact that gallons of testosterone are coursing their way through Scott’s body as you read this, you can imagine his predicament. In the absence of a macho munch, should Scott resist temptation or should he succumb to the pinky sweet attraction of Barbie’s delectible delights? No boy should be placed in a dilemma of such tortuous proportions.

Please reassure Scott that Action Man is not “Missing in Action” but is merely out on a secret mission. I assume that in the meantime you will be mounting an air, sea and land search to locate him and bring him and his cakes back to your shelves with all guns blazing.

England expects you to do your duty. Please let me have a full report on my desk by next Tuesday.

Yours urgently

Jasper Griegson