London Borough of Enfield

David Plank
Chief Executive
London Borough of Enfield
Civic Centre
Silver Street

Dear Plank

I write on behalf of Mr and Mrs Kennedy.

You may have heard of the latest developments in the search for new life-forms on Mars. You don’t need to look that far. Aliens have invaded the Earth. Simply go to Croft Road Enfield and look at the extraordinary asexual binary fission that is taking place on the pavement. We’re not talking about single cell replication, we’re talking about complex mutating lamp-posts. Allow me to explain.

The parking bay outside the Kennedys’ home is obstructed by one of your tall grey lamp-posts. In January of this year they paid £400 for the offending one-eyed light monster to be relocated. Instead of shifting the oversized light bulb, your workmen have simply erected another one! Either that or the first one has started breeding in way that opens up completely new horizons for the “Genome Project” – it might one day perhaps be referred to as the “Garden Genome Project”.

Unfortunately there seems to be a distinct lack of intelligent life in your Environmental Services Department. May I suggest a solution. Go and borrow a microscope from a local school and see if you can find the amoeba-sized brain of the person who gave these instructions. Give him, her or it a thorough caning and then arrange for the humane disposal of the old lamp-post without further delay.

I look forward to receiving an illuminating response.

Yours sincerely

Jasper Griegson